What does seal taste like

No, the animal, not the singer.

"Having forced myself out of curiosity to taste seal while I was in Greenland, and not gotten beyond the second bite, I can understand why people from a European dietary background might prefer venison over seal if given the choice."

"The meat itself is bizarre. It’s deep and dark like duck or venison, but the animal has developed a totally different way of storing fat, due to its life in the cold North Atlantic. It doesn’t have marbling; instead, the fat is liquid, like oil, and permeates all of the meat. "When you handle seal meat it’s almost like a lanolin kind of feeling, your hands get so soft," says Perrin. But that oil is also one reason seal hasn’t caught on away from the coasts where it’s caught: like many oils (walnut and flax come to mind), seal oil goes bad incredibly quickly; there’s no good way to preserve it. That’s why the native seal-hunting peoples of Canada tend to eat it raw; it’s not for religious purposes, it’s simply because seal meat has a very short lifespan and is best when freshest."

"Seal flipper tasted like bear meat cooked with seaweed: dusky, feral, tidal."

"Seal flipper pie as usually prepared is one of the worst things I have ever put in my mouth. Imagine dog legs frozen in open air, tossed into the bottom of a boat, stored in a freezer for months, cleaned to get rid of residual fat, and baked in a pot pie. I’ve had edible pie exactly once in 25 years, done by a grad student from a freshly-killed animal without freezing. Still tastes fishy. I’ll take a turkey pot pie any day."

Don't worry. This is research for an A&S project for Ice Dragon.

If all goes well, I'll have snacks for everyone.

Speech Bubbles

Speech Bubbles

Figure 1

Nothing new is new. If you think that speech bubbles are a modern invention of the comic book industry, please think again. The concept of linking text with a figure via a line or a ribbon dates back centuries. The oldest that I know of was found in Pompeii.

    On Pompeian [wall painting], arranged in adjacent panels, like a comic strip and accompanied by speech 'bubbles' in colloquial Latin, appears to tell the story of a couple of young men having a night out; they are shown first meeting, then being served by a barmaid, then tossing dice at a table, finally quarreling and being turned out by the landlord. [Ling, p163] [see figure 2]

Figure 2

But, early examples, such as the one from Pompeii, just have text floating around the images. A medieval invention was to link the text to a person by several methods.

figure 3

1) Free Floating Text.

Improving on the classical Roman method of graffiti like text, medieval scribes modified the text so that it appeared to flow out of the speaker's mouth. They also used different colors to denote individual speakers. Figures 4, 5 and 6 are examples from the same source of this method. Notice how the scribe used red and black to denote speakers. And in figure 4, you can see that the text is arraigned in an order so that the conversion can be followed.

Figure 4

Figure 5

Figure 6

figure 7

2) Lines

Simple lines were used to connect the text bubble with the speaker. This was the beginning of the text style that we are used to, today. Figure 8 is the only clear image I could find of this style.

Figure 8

The art historian Lucy Freeman Sandler has devoted considerable attention to this scene (a transcription and literal translation is found in this publication). Using her work, while rewording her literal translation, the following conversation may be overheard:
The figure on the left starts, with a strange mantra: “They die because of heat, they die because of heat.” Then the two young people on his right speak, probably addressing their father [according to Sandler], who is walking behind them: “Sir, we die of cold!” The father, carrying a heavy toddler, orders them to stop whining: “Behold your little brother in front of us, he is only wearing a hood.” (He is right, because he is otherwise naked.) Then the toddler speaks, uttering universal toddler sounds: “Wa we”. Finally the two children in the back come into play. “Sir, I am carrying too much weight,” says the one on the left. The one on the right closes the conversation by comparing his own misery to that of his brother and father, stating “It is not they who carry the heaviest burden.” [Kwakkel]

3) Banderole

The final aspect was a method of condensing the spoken word and combining it with a method that not only portrays the speaker, but enhances the artwork at the same time. Visually, the banderole was used to not only give words to a figure, but for the figure to physically claim those words: the figure pointing to, or even grabbing, the words [figure 9].

figure 9

This method of speech bubble was used up until the 19th century.

figure 10

figure 11

In figure 11, a man is repeating the words whispered into his ear by a devil on his left shoulder, "Non est deus" ("There is no god"). The man is holding onto his words, claiming them as his own. Perhaps so that they do not escape.

figure 12

Banderoles were often used with images of old testament prophets to distinguish them from the book writing evangelists. It might have been a metaphor as the old testament, like the Torah, was written out as a scroll, while the new testament was written in book form. It is worth noting that the use of banderoles were not restricted to religious figures. 

===================

Beard, Mary. SPQR: A History of Ancient Rome 1st Edition. Home Ancient History & Civilisation 

Ling, Roger. Roman Painting. Cambridge University Press, Mar 7, 1991

Majkut, Paul. Smallest Mimes. Defaced Representation and Media Epistemology. Zeta Books, May 20, 2014

Kukkonen, Karin. Studying Comics and Graphic Novels.  John Wiley & Sons, Jun 28, 2013

Kwakkel, Erik. Medieval Speech Bubbles. January 23, 2015. https://medievalbooks.nl/2015/01/23/medieval-speech-bubbles/

Saenger, Paul. Space Between Words: The Origins of Silent Reading. Stanford University Press, 1987

fig 1 - Genesis 25 - Birth of Esau and Jacob as an example of twin’s fate against the arguments of astrology by Francois Maitre c1475-1480

fig 2 - A brawl in a bar over a game of dice. In this nineteenth-century copy of some of the paintings from the Bar of Salvius in Pompeii, the argument starts in the left–hand panel. ‘Exsi’ shouts one of the players, ‘I’ve won, I’m out’, while his opponent disputes the throw. In the next scene, the landlord, on the right, is not only telling them to get out, but man-handling them towards the door.. Beard p.79

fig 3 - The Guthlac Roll

fig 4 - Breviculum ex artibus Raimundi Lulli electum - St. Peter perg. 92 11v

fig 5 - Breviculum ex artibus Raimundi Lulli electum - St. Peter perg. 92 8r

fig 6 - Breviculum ex artibus Raimundi Lulli electum - St. Peter perg. 92 12r

fig 7 - Gorleston Psalter, British Library, Additional 49622, fol. 190v

fig 8 - British Library, Stowe MS 49, fol. 122r

fig 9 - Bibliothèque nationale de France, lat. 11978 

fig 10 - A Masonic Anecdote, 18th century, from Wikipedia

fig 11 - Angeles, Getty Museum, MS 66

fig 12 - The Queen Mary Psalter

Bodleian Libraries Coloring Book

The Bodleian Libraries now has a coloring book

Do you need something to color? Either for you or an offspring. Are you looking for ideas for a scroll? Well, the Bodleian Libraries have you colored. Please visit http://www.bodleian.ox.ac.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0011/197453/2016-Colouring-Book.pdf for a free download.

Things you shouldn't put on an SCA Scroll part 9

Things you shouldn't put on an SCA Scroll part 9

Oh, god! No! Just because it's from a medical text (Bibliothèque municipale, ms. 0457, f. 273v) doesn't mean it should go on a scroll. Even if it's for your BFF.

English Bowling

Bowling is older that you think

There are many games that involve rolling or throwing balls at targets (bocce, bolla, bolle, boules); the game of bowling has been around for millennia, although the rules weren't set in stone until quite recently, perhaps not until the 18th century. Bowling was played indoors and out: records show that the oldest, used bowling green is in Southampton, England, and has been in operation since 1299. Records show that, at least in England, bowling was a game for both the upper and lower classes. "The most comprehensive presentment of higher status men for bowling was in Queenborough in 1500, when the jury presented that the ... mayor and all his brethren and many others living within this town are common players of a certain game called 'le Bowles'." [1]

Henry VIII had a bowling alley installed in Hampton Court; a partial view of it appears in a manuscript image but no trace of it (the alley) has survived. Among the first alterations King Henry had made to Hampton Court, after his 1529 acquisition, was to have built a 'close tennys play' (an indoor tennis court) and a ‘close bowling alley'. [2]

Lawn bowls, also known as bowling on the green or lawn bowling, probably originated in France and some think that it was brought to England by Norman invaders, although there is no evidence of this and no references to bowling, in England, during the reign of William I. At Westminister, indoor bowling alleys began to appear in the 1460s. In Southwark the first reference to an indoor bowling alley appears around 1500. [3]

The oldest references to bowling describe a game more like quints or horseshoes: a stone was tossed towards a target with the object of getting as close to the target as possible. Later, the game was changed: the stones were replaced by balls, made of wood or stone, where were rolled towards an upright target in order to knock it down. In France, the game was known by the Latin word for ball, 'boule', which became the Anglicized 'bowl'.

While the game has been popular in England for centuries, it was not always legal. Edward III, in 1366, outlawed bowling because it was a distraction from archery practice. In 1477, Edward IV issued a similar edict against "bowles, closh, kayles, hand-in and hand-out". In  1511 Henry VIII [4] enacted a statute banning "Tenys, Closshe, Dise, Cardes, Bowles". In 1541, he banned labourers, apprentices and servants from bowling except during Christmas and then only in their master's house and only with their master present. Any one playing bowls outside their own premises could be fined 6s. 8d (between $250 and $2400 in today's money based on either straight conversion or relative labor costs). However, people with property with a yearly value of more than £100 could buy a license to play on their own private green. This ensured that only the wealthy could play.

The Ordinances of the Guild of Spectacle Makers approved by the King's Justices in 1630, state that:

‘if any Apprentice shall misbehave himself towards his Master or Mistress . . . Or be any Drunkard haunter of Taverns, Ale Houses Bowling Alleys or other lewd and suspected Places of evil Company . . . he shall be brought to the Hall of the said Company . . . and shall be stripped from the middle upwards and there be whipped.'  [5]

An English statue of 1541, which banned any games that distracted from archery practice, included bowling.

The penalty for keeping a house for illegal games, including a bowling alley, was 40s, while that for players was 6s 8d. .. Local courts must have considered the 40s fine for gaming houses and bowling alleys excessive, for it was only recorded as being imposed once, on William Rouse, tavern keeper of New Romney, in 1553." [6] 

Towns and cities drew on national rules when drafting their own regulations. In September 1496 Worcester, reviewing its existing regulations, established a new ordinance which banned citizens from playing any games prohibited by law, including the newly re-criminalised sports of tennis and bowls. In September 1504 Rye passed an ordinance prohibiting servants from playing tennis or other illegal games on workdays, which was more generous than the 1495 statute that only allowed such games to be played at Christmas. In 1508, however, a Lyme Regis jury went beyond the statute forbidding burgesses from playing dice at all. Juries presented men who played illegal games. In October 1496 a Chishester jury presented two men for playing closh (and indoor bowling game) contrary to the statute. ... Juries presented men who ran professional outfits, such as 'a kayle house' or 'a Closshe house', or who possessed a tennis court or a bowling alley. Patrick Russel, a London gardener, was accused of keeping bowling alleys in his house in the parish of the Holy Sepulcher in 1499.  [7] 

[1] Jones, p187
[2] Spelthorne Hundred
[3] Horrox, p288
[4] I am, I am
[5] Dargue
[6] Jones, p187
[7] Clark, p153

Bibliography:

Beresford, M. W.; Joseph, J. K. S. Medieval England: An Aerial Survey. Cambridge University Press, Nov 15, 1979

Carlin, Martha. Medieval Southwark. Hambledon Press, 1996

Clark, Linda. Of Mice and Men: Image, Belief and Regulation in Late Medieval England. Boydell Press, 2005.

Dargue, William. 2008-2016 A History of Birmingham Places & Placenames . . . from A to Y.

Horrox, Rosemary W.; Ormrod, Mark. A Social History of England, 1200-1500. Cambridge University Press, Aug 10, 2006.

Jones, Karen. Gender and Petty Crime in Late Medieval England: The Local Courts in Kent, 1460-1560. Boydell Press, 2006

Laughton, Jane. Life in a Late Medieval City: Chester, 1275-1520. Windgather Press, 2008.

Pitcher, John. Medieval and Renaissance Drama in England, Volume 11. Fairleigh Dickinson Univ Press, Mar 1, 1999

'Spelthorne Hundred: Hampton Court Palace, architectural description', in A History of the County of Middlesex: Volume 2, General; Ashford, East Bedfont With Hatton, Feltham, Hampton With Hampton Wick, Hanworth, Laleham, Littleton, ed. William Page (London, 1911), pp. 371-379. British History Online http://www.british-history.ac.uk/vch/middx/vol2/pp371-379 [accessed 8 November 2016].

Survey of London: Volume 13, St Margaret, Westminster, Part II: Whitehall I, ed. Montagu H Cox and Philip Norman (London, 1930), British History Online http://www.british-history.ac.uk/survey-london/vol13/pt2 [accessed 25 November 2016].

'The Tennis Courts, etc.', in Survey of London: Volume 14, St Margaret, Westminster, Part III: Whitehall II, ed. Montagu H Cox and G Topham Forrest (London, 1931), pp. 37-45. British History Online http://www.british-history.ac.uk/survey-london/vol14/pt3/pp37-45 [accessed 13 October 2016].

I keep forgetting that I hate doing knot work

All of them lines and little gaps to fill in.

I should never forget how much I hate doing knot work. It looks so nice but it is such a pain to do. "Oh!" I always say to myself, "That doesn't look that difficult to do." You got to trace the image, ink all of the lines, paint between the lines, paint inside the lines, touch up all of the paint, re-ink all of the lines, et cetera ad nausium. This took three days. In comparison: this one of a page from I,33, took about two hours.

I will admit that once the knot work is done, if I didn't screw it up, does look very nice. It doesn't appear that I made too much of a mess on this 'P'. I judge it to be acceptable. I might touch up the white work, when it is completely dry, though. Or.... I might just leave it alone and not risk screwing it up.

Everyone aboard the spice train

The Spice Must Flow

This is another example of why I wish I had more talent so that I could make one of these. This is a spice cellar currently in the possession of The Walters Art Museum (54.2501) and dates to around 1400.

This spice cellar, made to hold precious seasonings at the table, is of a typical northern European design. Major trade commodities in ancient and medieval times, salt and other spices were used both to preserve meat and to enhance the flavor of all types of food (often not very fresh). Some spices came from Asia and were very expensive. This whimsical container, in the form of a little ship on wheels, could be rolled from one guest to another.

This could have held salt in one half of the ship and ground pepper in the other half. This most likely was not made for major royalty, the details from the Museum does not list a maker or an original owner, but it appears to me that this spice cellar was not as valuable as some of the spices that it might have once held (again, the Museum does not indicate if any traces of spices were found in it during its two cleanings). The cellar is made of bronze and it very nicely made, but it is not on the high end of such items that have survived.

Certainly this was made for someone with wealth, most likely someone in the top 2% of society, but it doesn't appear as fancy as what was commissioned by the top rung of wealth. A cellar, such as this, and the spices to put into it, would have been out of the reach of most of the 15th century, European inhabitants. But if this was the Jaguar of spice cellars, let me show you an example of a custom made Bently:

This is one of the finest examples of Baroque metalworking in the world. This is a solid gold salt cellar, on a base of ebony, sitting on ivory bearing, made by Benvenuto Cellini in 1543 for France's Fancois I and it is a masterpiece. See this link for physical details and this one for pictures of it. It depicts "Terra e Mare": The god of the sea and the goddess of the earth. Next to the god, on the back of this image, is a goblet to hold salt (from the sea) and a hidden compartment in the temple, next to the goddess, held pepper (from the earth). 

We might never know who owned the little, bronze, wheeled ship, or who made it, but I think I can say that it wasn't a king. Or a doge, or a pope, or a cardinal, or a prince. It might have been for a baron, or a wealthy knight. Perhaps an abbess from a small abbey. Someone with enough wealth to show off, but not enough to afford gold.

Also, these salt cellars, or spice cellars, weren't just about the cellar; they were about the salt and the spices that they held. I find it most amusing that we take for granted perfectly uniform, bright white salt crystals and pay extra for "impure" salts because we like their colors: pink salt from the Himalayas; red and black from Hawaii; blue from Persia; gray from France. When these two cellars were made, white salt was prized above all else and reserved for the tables of the most important (i.e.: wealthiest) people. Colored salt was filled with impurities that were fine for the lower classes, but the upper crust? Never. Salt cellars, or nefs, were a way of showing off one's wealth. Not only does it show that you can afford the best salt, but you can afford a tchotchke to put it in. If it was on wheels, even better. If it had hidden compartments, bonus.

The Female Highway Hector

Highway Robbery

This is a broadsheet from 1690, currently held by the National Library of Scotland (Shelfmark: Crawford.EB.1398)

A Hector, according to the OED is "Late Middle English: from the Trojan warrior Hector. Originally denoting a hero, the sense later became ‘braggart or bully’ (applied in the late 17th century to a member of a gang of London youths), hence ‘talk to in a bullying way’."

The Female Highway Hector: an account of a woman who was lately arragn'd for robbing on the high-way in man's apparel: Containing, A  Relation of feveral notes Exploits which she  perform'd in that bold Undertaking.

To an excellent new Tune called The Rant.

You Gallants of every Station,

     give ear to a Frollicksome Song;

The like was ne'er seen in the Nation,

  'twas done by a Female so young.

She bought her a Mare and a Bridle,

     a Saddle, and Pistols also,

She resolved she would not be idle,

     for upon the Pad she did go. [1]

She Cloathed herself in great Splendor,

     for Breeches and Sword she had on,

Her Body appear'd very slender;

     she show'd like a pretty Young-man.

And then like a Padder so witty, [2]

     she mounted with speed on her Mare;

She left all her Friends in the City,

     and steered her Course towards Ware.

The first that she met was a Grocer [3]

     was walking with Cane in his Hand,

She soon to the Spark came up closer, [4]

     and boldly she bid him to stand.

She took from him but a Guinea, [5]

     and then met a Taylor with Shears, [6]

And because the poor Rogue had no Money,

     she genteely clipt off his Ears.

The next that she met was a Tanner.

     for loss of his money he cry'd,

And because he bauld in this manner, [7]

     she handsomely tanned his Hide.

She rode about seven-miles farther,

     and then a Stage-Coach she did Rob;

The Passengers all cry'd out Murther: [8]

     but this was a Fifty-pound Jobb.

And then she robb'd a Welsh Miller,

     she fac'd him and gave him the Word:

Hur splutter'd, and swore hur would kill hur, [9]

     if that hur had got but hur Sword.

And then she came up with a Quaker,

     she told him, she must have his Coin:

Quoth he, Thou silly Wise-acre

     thou shalt have no Money of mine.

She show'd him a Pistol to prove him;

     he told her by Yea and by Nay,

That since the good Spirit did move him,

     she might take his Money away.

An Excise-man, she then next accoasted [10]

     and bid him Deliver with speed;

He often of Valour had boasted,

     but he was a Coward indeed.

She Rifled him then of his Money;

     oh! this was a very rich Prize,

She took from him Four-score Guineys,

     which he had receiv'd for Excise.

The next that she met was a Padder,

     well mounted upon a bay a Nag;

Oh! this made her so much the gladder,

     she told him she wanted a bag.

He thought she would certainly fight him,

     prepared himself out of hand:

And she was resolved to fright him,

     she damn'd him, and bid him to stand.

He presently drew out his Rapier

     and bid her to stand on her guard;

But quickly away she did Caper.

     the High-way-man, follow'd her hard.

He follow'd and soon overtook her,

     and searched her Breeches with speed;

And as he did well overlook her,

     he found her a Woman indeed!

The High-way-man stood all amazed;

     but she had no cause to complain.

Tho' with her he did what he pleased,

     he gave her the Money again.

     

Printed for C. Bates at the White Hart in West-Smithfield. 

Notes pertain to the 17th century.

[1] Pad - Slang term for robbery along a foot pad, or open road.

[2] Padder - Short for Rum-Padder: A highwayman; especially a well-equipped one. 

[3] Grocer - a trader in dry goods, particularly spices.

[4] Spark - Perhaps referring to a torch or a lantern. 

[5] Guinea - Coin of approximately one quarter ounce of gold or 20 shillings.

[6] Taylor - Tailor. 

[7] Bauld - Bawled, cried like a child.

[8] Murther - an archaic word for murder.

[9] This is probably making fun of a Welsh accent.

[10] Excise-man - a government agent whose function was to collect excise (import, export, transportation taxes) and prevent smuggling.

I feel the need.... the need to smear

Starting another three scrolls.

I haven't touched any scrolls in a while. I haven't had any assignments and I've been in such a blue funk that I just haven't had any desire to do anything. The other day, I found a nice image online that sparked my desire to make an artistic mess. However, I was too down, and too lazy, to print out the image so that I could trace it. So, to work myself up for it, I pulled out three images that I have done in the past, and started working on them, tonight.

Just a side note, if you trace your images, like myself, keep the images so that you can do them again. I have a couple of interoffice envelopes filled with every design that I've done, ones I haven't done, and ones that I've screwed up but might want to try again, later.

I like to work on multiple scrolls at once; that way I can keep busy while the paint dries. I like to start off with gold, 'cause it's shiny. No other reason.

I think that I might paint half of a Golden Alce on the shield in the 'R'. I still don't have any assignments, but I might get one for a Golden Alce and it's nice to have blanks on hand.

Japanese armor makers are awesome

Does my helm bug you?

Japan, Dragonfly-shaped helmet, 17th century, iron, lacquer, wood, leather, gilt pigments, silk, papier-mâché. The James Ford Bell Foundation Endowment for Art Acquisition and gift of funds from Siri and Bob Marshal, 2012.31.1a-c

The Minneapolis Institute of Arts acquired this beautifully crafted helm a few years ago. The design was to help the samurai wearing it stand out on the battle field. The helmet is iron with lacquered papier-mâché over a wooden framework. The wings are made of wood.

I wish that I had the skill to make something like this.

Complaint about delivery of the wrong grade of copper.

Immortality by any means.

The British Museum has a 3700+ year old clay tablet that is the world's oldest complaint letter. Found in the ruins of Ur, in 1953, it has survived intact and relates a complaint from Nanni to Ea-nasir about inferior copper. Ea-nasir will live forever as a cheat and a bad businessman. References around the Internet tell that Ea-nasir had a room with multiple such complaints, although I was unable to find credible confirmation of other tablets.

The text of the tablet is as follows:

    Tell Ea-nasir: Nanni sends the following message: 
When you came, you said to me as follows : "I will give Gimil-Sin (when he comes) fine quality copper ingots." You left then but you did not do what you promised me. You put ingots which were not good before my messenger (Sit-Sin) and said: "If you want to take them, take them; if you do not want to take them, go away!" 
    What do you take me for, that you treat somebody like me with such contempt? I have sent as messengers gentlemen like ourselves to collect the bag with my money (deposited with you) but you have treated me with contempt by sending them back to me empty-handed several times, and that through enemy territory. Is there anyone among the merchants who trade with Telmun who has treated me in this way? You alone treat my messenger with contempt! On account of that one (trifling) mina of silver which I owe(?) you, you feel free to speak in such a way, while I have given to the palace on your behalf 1,080 pounds of copper, and umi-abum has likewise given 1,080 pounds of copper, apart from what we both have had written on a sealed tablet to be kept in the temple of Samas. 
    How have you treated me for that copper? You have withheld my money bag from me in enemy territory; it is now up to you to restore (my money) to me in full. 
    Take cognizance that (from now on) I will not accept here any copper from you that is not of fine quality. I shall (from now on) select and take the ingots individually in my own yard, and I shall exercise against you my right of rejection because you have treated me with contempt.
-Letters from Mesopotamia : Official, Business and Private Letters on Clay Tablets from Two Millennia " by A. Leo Oppenheim. p82-3

I find it interesting that most history books only deal with big events: wars and battles; coronations and despoilments; floods and famine. Real history can be just as much about the tiny details as the great ones. This complaint letter would not be out of place on the product comments on Amazon, or in the letters to the editor in a newspaper. Historians tend to lose sight of the fact that people in antiquity were just as much human as ourselves: not statistics but living, breathing people with hopes, desires and the will to complain about the same crap that we do, today.

The Greatest Curse in the English Language

The Excommunication of Common Traitors, Reavers and Thieves

In 1525, the Archbishop of Glasgow, Gavin Dunbar, issued one of the best curses ever uttered in the English language. The curse was directed towards the large numbers of robbers and highwaymen causing havoc on the border of England and Scotland. The curse was part of the mass excommunication performed by the Archbishop.

"It was during this period of weakness, almost of total moral collapse, that the Archbishop of Glasgow took it upon him to excommunicate the Border thieves. Had the same vigorous measure been adopted at an earlier period, the result might have been more favorable. As it was, the launching of this ecclesiastical thunderbolt really created more amusement than consternation. It was regarded simply as the growl of a toothless lion. In no circumstances were the Border reivers easily intimidated. Their calling had made them more or less indifferent to the claims of Church and State. They had never had much affection for the king, and they had, perhaps, still less for the priest. Having shaken themselves free, to a large extent at least, from the control of the State, they were not prepared to put their neck under the yoke of an ecclesiastical authority which even the best men of the age had ceased to venerate. But the Archbishop felt that he had a duty to discharge, and he applied himself to the task with commendable vigour. The curse was ordered to be read from every pulpit in the diocese and be circulated throughout the length and breadth of the Borders.
- Robert Borland, minister of Yarrow. Border Raids and Reivers. Dalbeattie: Thomas Fraser 1898 

In modern English, the curse is as follows:

    Good folks, here at my Lord Archbishop of Glasgow’s letters under his round seal, direct to me or any other chaplain, making mention, with great regret, how heavy he bears the piteous, lamentable, and dolorous complaint that passes all of our realm and comes to his ears, by open voice and fame, how our sovereign lords true lieges, men, wives and children, both and redeemed by the precious blood of our Savior Jesus Christ, and living in his laws, are innocently part murdered, part slain, burnt, harried, spoiled and robbed, openly on day light and under silence of the night, and their farms and lands laid waste, and they are self banish therefore, as well church lands as others, by common traitors, reavers, thieves, dwelling in the south part of this realm, such as Teviotdale, Eskdale, Liddiesdale, Ewesdale, Nithsdale, and Annandale; which has been diverse ways pursued and punished by the temporal sword and our Sovereign Lords authority, and dreads not the same.

    And therefore my said Lord Archbishop of Glasgow has thought expedient to strike them with the terrible sword of holy church, which they may not long endure and resist; and has charged me, or any other chaplain, to denounce, declare and proclaim them openly and generally cursed, at this market cross, and all other public places.

    Herefore through the authority of Almighty God, the Father of heaven, his Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ, and of the Holy ghost; through the authority of the Blessed Virgin Saint Mary, Saint Michael, Saint Gabriel, and all his angels; Saint John the Baptist, and all the holy patriarchs and prophets; Saint Peter, Saint Paul, Saint Andrew, and all holy apostles; Saint Stephen, Saint Laurence, and all holy martyrs; Saint Gile, Saint Martin, and all holy confessors; Saint Anne, Saint Katherine, and all holy virgins and matrons; and all the saints and holy company of heaven; by the authority of our Holy Father the Pope and his cardinals, and of my said Lord Archbishop of Glasgow, with the advice and assistance of my lords, archbishop, bishops, abbots, priors, and other prelates and ministers of the holy church, I DENOUNCE, PROCLAIMS, AND DECLARES all and sundry the committers of the said of innocents murders, slaughters, burning, inheritances, robbery, thefts, and spoilings, openly upon day light and under silence of night, as well as within temporal lands as church lands; together with their part takers, assisters, suppliers, knowingly and of their persons, the goods snatched and stolen by them, art or part thereof, and their counselors and defenders, of their evil deeds generally cursed, waking, aggravated, and re-aggravated, with the great cursing.

    I CURSE their head and all the hairs of their head; I CURSE their face, their eyes, their mouth, their nose, their tongue, their teeth, their skull, their shoulders, their breast, their heart, their stomach, their back, their womb, their arms, their legs, their hands, their feet, and every part of their body, from the top of their head to the sole of their feet, before and behind, within and without. I CURSE them going, and I CURSE them riding; I CURSE them standing, and I CURSE them sitting; I CURSE them eating, I CURSE them drinking; I CURSE them walking, I CURSE them sleeping; I CURSE them rising, I CURSE them lying; I CURSE them at home, I CURSE them from home; I CURSE them within the house, I CURSE them without the house; I CURSE their wives, their children and their servants who participate with them in their deeds. I Worry their corn, their cattle, their wool, their sheep, their horse, their swine, their geese, their hens, and all their animals. I Worry their houses, their rooms, their kitchens, their stables, their barns, their byres, their barnyards, their cabbage patches, their plows, their harrows, and the possessions and houses that are necessary for their sustentation and welfare. All the bad wishes and curses that ever got worldly creature since the beginning of the world to this hour might light upon them. The malediction of God, that lighted upon Lucifer and all his fellows, that struck them from the high heaven to the deep hell, might light upon them. The fire and the sword that stopped Adam from the gates of Paradise might stop them from the glory of Heaven, until they forbear and make amends. The bad wishes that lighted on cursed Cain, when he slew his brother just Abel guiltless, might light on them for the innocent slaughter that they commit daily. The malediction that lighted upon all the world, man and beast, and all that ever took life, when all were drowned by the flood of Noah, except Noah and his ark, might light upon them and drown them, man and beast, and make this realm free of them for their wicked sins. The thunder and lightning that set down as rain upon the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, with all the lands about, and burnt them for their vile sins, might rain upon them, and burn them for open sins. The bad wishes and confusion that lighted on the Gigantis for their oppression and pride, building the tower of Babylon, might confound them and all their works, for their open disregard and oppression. All the plagues that fell upon Pharaoh and his people of Egypt, their lands, corn and cattle, might fall upon them, their land, rooms and buildings, corn and animals. The river of Tweed and other rivers where they ride might drown them, as the Red Sea drowned King Pharaoh and his people of Egypt, pursuing Gods people of Israel. The earth might open, split and cleave and swallow them alive to hell, as it swallowed cursed Dathan and Abiron, that disobeyed Moses and command of God. The wild fire that burnt Thore and his fellows to the number of two hundredth and fifty, and others 14,000 and 700 at anys, usurping against Moses and Aaron, servants of God, might suddenly burn and consume them daily disobeyed and commands of God and holy church. 

    The malediction that lights suddenly upon fair Absolom, riding contrary to his father, King David, servant of God, through the wood, when the branches of a tree knocked him off his horse and hanged him by the hair, might light upon them, untrue Scots men, and hang them suchlike that all the world may see. The malediction that lighted upon Olifernus, lieutenant to Nebuchadnezzar’s, making war and hardships upon true Christian men; the malediction that lighted upon Judas, Pilot, Herod and the Jews that crucified Our Lord, and all the plagues and troubles that lighted on the city of Jerusalem therefore, and upon Simon Magus for his treachery, bloody Nero, cursed Ditius Magcensius, Olibrius, Julianus, Apostita and the rest of the cruel tyrants that slew and murdered Christ’s holy servants, might light upon them for their cruel tyranny and martyrdom of Christian people. And all the vengeance that ever was taken since the world began for open sins, and all the plagues and pestilence that ever fell on man or beast, might fall on them for their open evil, slaughter of guiltless and shedding of innocent blood. I SEVER and PARTS them from the kirk of God, and deliver them alive to the devil of hell, as the Apostol Saint Paul delivered Corinth. I exclude the places they come in for divine service, ministration of the sacraments of holy church, except the sacrament of baptizing only; and forbid all churchmen to take confession or absolve them of their sins, which they be first absolved of this cursing. I FORBID all Christian man or woman to have any company with them, eating, drinking, speaking, praying, lying, standing, or in any other deed doing, under the pain of deadly sin. I DISCHARGE all bonds, acts, contracts, oaths and obligations made to them by any persons, other of law, kindness or duty, so long as they sustain this cursing; so that no man be bound to them, and that they be bound to all men. I Take from them and cry down all the good deeds that ever they did or shall do, which they rise from this cursing. I DECLARE them excluded of all matins, masses, evensongs, mourning or other prayers, on book or bead; of all pilgrimages and poorhouse deeds done or to be done in holy church or by Christian people, enduring this cursing.

    And, finally, I CONDEMN them perpetually to the deep pit of hell, to remain with Lucifer and all his fellows, and their bodies to the gallows of the Burrow Muir, first to be hanged, then torn apart with dogs, swine, and other wild beasts, abominable to all the world. And their life gone from your sight, as might their souls go from the sight of God, and their good fame from the world, which they forbear their open sins aforesaid and rise from this terrible cursing, and make satisfaction and penance. 

In 2001, Gordon Young carved 383 words of the curse into a 7.7 ton rock and the floor of the display has the names of the cursed family names. The display can be found in Carlisle.

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Elliot Clan Society

The Curse of the Border Clans

by ECS Webmaster on August 26, 2013 in News

http://www.elliotclan.com/curse-border-clans/

The Great Monition of Cursing by Gavin Dunbar, the Archbishop of Glasgow on the border reivers - 1525

Occassional Paper No. 1

by Tam Ward

Biggar Archaeological Group

RESTORATION

BBC.com

July 2003 

The Border Reivers - The Curse

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cumbria/features/2003/07/restoration/the_curse.shtml

The Telegraph

Archbishop to lift 'evil' curse linked to foot and mouth

By Jonathan Petre12:01AM GMT 04 Nov 2001

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1361439/Archbishop-to-lift-evil-curse-linked-to-foot-and-mouth.html

I need a time machine

Are there any Blockbusters left?

I was looking for something else and I found not one $5 Blockbuster gift card, but two of these bad boys.

Someone is going to get a special gift for Christmas.

A Vault of Color: Protecting the World's Rarest Pigments

The Harvard Pigment Library

Harvard University has a library devoted to the collection and preservation of pigments. The Straus Center for Conservation and Technical Studies holds some 2,500 pigment sources, some of which can only be found in this collection: Ground shells of extinct insects; barks of long gone trees; poisonous metals. The Center also does restoration of art and tests for fraud in artwork.

For example, their work was instrumental in proving that a Jackson Pollock painting "rediscovered" in 2007 was actually a fake, after pigment analysis revealed that a specific red color was manufactured 20 years after the artist's death. The color, Red 254, was a by-product of a chemical reaction first documented in 1974; it's also nicknamed "Ferrari red." - Fastodesign article  

Some of the pigments in the collection include:

• Mummy Brown - from the resin used to preserve Egyptian mummies.
• Indian Yellow - from the urine of cows fed only on mango leaves.
• Dragon's Blood - from the rattan palm.
• Ultramarine Blue - both real and artificial. The real stuff is made from Lapis Lazuli: "People would mine it in Afghanistan, ship it across Europe, and it was more expensive that gold so it would have its own budget line on a commission."
• Emerald Green - made from copper acetoarsenite.
• Lead in a rainbow of colors.
• Tyrian purple - prepared from the secretion from the predatory sea snail Bolinus brandaris, once only worn by emperors.
• Kermes - an Old World pigment created by grinding tiny blisters produced by the insects Coccus ilicis, which lived on the kermes oak tree. Kermes is also the source of the word "crimson."
• Flakes from car paint from the last hundred years.
• And hundreds more.

See also: http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2015/09/a-wall-of-color-a-window-to-the-past/ and http://hyperallergic.com/162532/the-pigment-library-that-launched-american-art-conservation/

The Case For Coffee

THE Mens Answer TO THE Womens Petition AGAINST COFFEE, VINDICATING Their own Performances, and the Vertues of that Liquor, from the Undeserved Aspersions lately cast upon them by their SCANDALOUS PAMPHLET.

THE MENS ANSWER TO THE WOMENS PETITION, ETC

Could it be imagined, that ungrateful women, after so much laborious drudgery, both by day and night, and the best of our blood and spirits spent in your service, you should thus publicly complain? Certain we are, that there never was age, or nation, more indulgent to your sex; have we not condescended to all the methods of debauchery? Invented more postures than [the poet] Aretine ever dreamed of! Been pimps to our own wives, and courted gallants even with the hazard of our estates, to do us the civility of making us not only contented, but most obliged cuckolds: is he thought worthy to be esteemed a gentleman, that has not seven times passed the torrid zone of a venereal distemper, or does not maintain, at least, a brace of mistresses; talk not to us of those doting fumblers of seven or eight hundred years old, a lark is better than a kite; and cock-sparrows, though not as long lived, are undoubtedly preferable for the work of generation before dull ravens, though some think they live three hundred years: that our island is a paradise for women, is verified still by the brisk activity of our men, who with an equal contempt scorn Italian padlocks, and defy French dildo's, knowing that a small dose of natures quintessence, satisfies better in a female limbic, than the largest potion infused by art.

Let silly chits complain never so much that madam money is dead and buried, we dare appeal to all the commissioners of whetstones park, the suburb runners, and moorfields night-walkers, if ever they had better trading; nay, have we not forced languishing nature by preparations of [aphrodisiacs], spiced meats, anchovies, [French broths], jelly-broths, lambstones, [spirits], bonnie sausages, etc. All to answer the height of your amorous passions, and prevent the pitiful lechery of an artificial tranquility. Have we not with excess of patience borne your affronts, been sweated, purged, fluxed between two feather-beds, flogged, jibed, and endured all the rest of the Devil's martyrdoms, and will you still offer to repine? Certainly experienced Solomon was in the right, when he told us that the grave and the womb were equally insatiable.

But why must innocent coffee be the object of your spleen? That harmless and healing liquor, which indulgent providence first sent amongst us, at a time when brimmers of rebellion, and fanatic zeal had intoxicated the nation, and we wanted a drink at once to make us sober and merry: it is not this incomparable settle brain that shortens natures standard, or makes us less active in the sports of Venus, and we wonder you should take these exceptions, since so many of the little houses, with the Turkish woman straddling on their signs, are but emblems of what is to be done within for your conveniences, mere nurseries to promote the petulant trade, and breed up a stock of hopeful plants for the future service of the republic, in the most thriving mysteries of debauchery; there being scarce a coffee-hut but affords a tawdry woman, a wonton daughter, or a buxom maid, to accommodate customers; and can you think that any which frequent such discipline, can be wanting in their pastures, or defective in their arms? The news we chat of there, you will not think it impertinent, when you consider the fair opportunities you have thereby, of entertaining an obliging friend in our absence, and how many of us you have dubbed knights of the bull-feather, whilst we have sate innocently sipping the Devil's holy-water; we do not call it so for driving the cacodemon of lechery out of us, for the truth is, it rather assists us for your nocturnal benevolences, by drying up those crude flatulent humors, which otherwise would make us only flash in the pan, without doing that thundering execution which your expectations exact, we dare appeal to experience in the case.

Coffee is the general drink throughout Turkey, and those eastern regions, and yet no part of the world can boast more able or eager performers, than those circumcised gentlemen, who, (like our modern gallants) own no other joys of heaven, than what consists in venereal titillations; the physical qualities of this liquor are almost innumerable and its virtues (if you will believe pointing, able to out-noise the quack-noise of an all-healing doctor, when your kindness at the close hug has bestowed on us a virulent gonorrhea, this is our [panacea], in nature and [cordial] is an ass to it, it is base adulterate wine and surcharges of muddy ale that enfeeble nature, makes a man as salacious as a goat, and yet as impotent as age, whereas coffee collects and settles the spirits, makes the erection more vigorous, the ejaculation more full, adds a spiritual escency to the sperm, and renders it more firm and suitable to the gusto of the womb, and proportionate to the ardors and expectation too, of the female paramour.

As for our taking tobacco you have no reason to object, since most of your own sex are so well skilled in managing a pipe; and if you find that of your husbands to be naught, it is his natural infirmity, or your own perpetual pumping him (not drinking coffee) is the occasion of the defect, and therefore let such tom farthings be forbidden the concoction of the rare Arabian berry, and condemned everlastingly with the rest of do-little congregation, to the carrying of glister-pipes for the use of the well effected sisterhood.

You may well permit us to talk abroad, for at home we have scarce time to utter a word for the insufferable din of your ever active tongues, the foolish extravagances of our lives, are infinitely out-done by the wild frolics of yours; until noon you lie a bed hatching concupiscence, then having paid your adoration, to the ugly idol in the glass, you descend to dinner were you gourmandize enough at one meal to famish a town besieged; after that, you are called out by a cozen, and hurried out in his honors coach (whose jogging, serves as a preparation to your lechery) away to the play-house, where a lascivious dance, a bawdy song, and the petulant gallants tickling of your hand, having made an insurrection in your blood, you go to allay it with an evenings exercise at the tavern, there you spend freely, yet being robed of nothing we can miss, home you come in a railing humor, and at last give us nothing for supper but a buttered bun.

Cease then for the future your clamors against our civil follies. Alas! Alas! Dear hearts, the coffee house is the citizens academy, where he learns more wit than ever his grandfather taught him, the young-gallants stage where he displays the wardrobe of his excellent noble parts; it is the non-cons bull-baiting, the news-mongers exchange, the fools business, the knaves ambuscade, and the wise mans recreation: here it is where we have the sparkling cider, the mighty mum, and the back recruiting chocolate; it is coffee that both keeps us sober, or can make us so; and let our wives that hereafter shall presume to petition against it, be confined to lie alone all night, and in the day time drink nothing but bonny clabber. 

Finis.


---------------------------------

Wow. The men's answer to the women's petition can be summed up as, "We need coffee to put up with y'all." We are living in a wonderful world where documents such as this one are freely available to the world. I transcribed this and the Women's Petition into modern English and spelling, to make it easier to read. A fun little project.

Medieval Darwin Fish

Nothing is as new as you think

This image is from Bibliothèque municipale, ms. 56, fol. 250r and shows a fish with legs. The image dates to the 13th century and pre-dates cars by centuries. This is obviously a transition species  between a fish and a modern Darwin fish: this creature only has two legs and evolution has yet to select individual species with the more, recognizable patterned scales.

The Case Against Coffee

The women's petition against coffee : representing to publick consideration the grand inconveniencies accruing to their sex from the excessive use of that drying, enfeebling liquor : presented to the Right Honorable the keepers of the liberty of Venus

Coffee is such a mainstay of our world that it is easy to lose sight of the fact that it wasn't always universally accepted. At the introduction of coffee to London, and the opening of that city's first coffee houses, there were protests against the brew. Here is the text of a 1674 booklet against coffee and it is beyond description.


To the right honorable the keepers of the liberties of Venus; the worshipful court of female-assistants, etc.

The humble petition and address of several thousand of buxome good women, languishing in extremity of want.

Showish that since the reckoned amongst the glories of our native country, to be a paradise for women: the same in our apprehension can consist in nothing more than the brisk activities of our men, who in former ages were justly esteemed the ablest performers in Christendom; but to our unspeakable grief, we find of late a very sensible decay of that true old English vigor; the gallants being every way so Frenchified, that they are become mere cock-sparrows, fluttering things that come on saesa, with a world of fury but are not able to stand to it, and in the very first charge fall down flat before us. Never did men wear greater breeches, or carry less in them of any mettle whatsoever. There was a glorious dispensation ('twas surely in the Golden Age) when Lusty lads of seven or eight hundred years old, got sons and daughters; and we have read, how a prince of Spain was forced to make a law, that men should not repeat the grand kindness to their wives, above nine times in a night: but alas! Alas! Those forwards days are gone, the dull lubbers want a spur now, rather than a bridle: being so far from doing any works of supererogation that we find them not capable of performing those endeavors which their duty, and our expectations exact.

The occasion of which insufferable disaster, after a serious inquiry, and discussion of the point by the learned of the faculty, we can attribute to nothing more than the excessive use of that newfangled, abominable, heathenish liquor called coffee, which riffling nature of her choicest treasures, and drying up the radical moisture, has so eunuched our husbands, and crippled our more kind gallants, that they are become as impotent, as age, and as unfruitful as those deserts whence that unhappy berry is said to be brought.

For the continual sipping of this pitiful drink is enough to bewitch men of two and twenty, and tie up the codpice-point without a charm. It renders them that use it as lean as famine, as revivaled as envy, or an old meager hag over-ridden by an incubus. They come from it with nothing moist but their snotty noses, nothing stiff but their joints, nor standing but their ears: they pretend 'it will keep them waking, but we find by scurvy experience, they sleep quietly enough after it. A betrothed queen might trust herself a bed with one of them, without the nice caution of a sword between them: nor can all the art we use revive them from this lethargy, so unfit they are for action, that like young train-band-men when called upon duty, their ammunition is wanting; peradventure they present, but cannot give fire, or at least do but flash in the pan, instead of doing execution.

Nor let any doating, superstitious Cato's shake their goatish beards, and tax us of immodesty for this declaration, since it is a public grievance, and cries aloud for reformation. Weight and measure, it is well known, should go throughout the world, and there is no torment like famine. Experience witnesses our damage, and necessity (which easily supersedes all the laws of decency) justifies our complaints: for can any woman of sense or spirit endure with patience, that when privileged by legal ceremonies, she approaches the nuptial bed, expecting a man that with sprightly embraces, should answer the vigor of her flames, she on the contrary should only meet a bedful of bones, and hug a meager useless corpse rendered as sapless as a kixe, and dryer than a pumice-stone, by the perpetual fumes of tobacco, and bewitching effects of this most pernicious coffee, where by nature is enfeebled, the off-spring of our mighty ancestors dwindled into a succession of apes and pygmies: and the age of man now crammed into an inch, that was a span.

Nor is this (though more than enough) all the ground of our complaint: for besides, we have reason to apprehend and grow jealous, that men by frequenting these Stygian tap-houses will usurp on our prerogative of tattling, and soon learn to excel us in talkativeness: a quality wherein our sex has ever claimed preeminence: for here like so many frogs in a puddle, they sup muddy water, and murmur insignificant notes till half a dozen of them out-babble an equal number of us at a gossiping, talking all at once in confusion, and running from point to point as insensibly, and as swiftly, as ever the ingenious pole-wheel could run divisions on the base-viol; yet in all their prattle every one abounds in his own sense, as stiffly as a Quaker at the late barbican dispute, and submits to the reasons of no other mortal: so that there being neither moderator nor rules observed, you may as soon fill a quart pot with syllogisms, as profit by their discourses.

Certainly our countrymen's palliates have become as fanatical as their brains; how else is it possible they should apostatize from the good old primitive way of ale-drinking, to run a whoring after such variety of destructive foreign liquors, to trifle away their time, scald their chops, and spend their money, all for a little base, black, thick, nasty, bitter, stinking, nauseous puddle-water: yet (as all witches have their charms) so this ugly Turkish enchantress by certain invisible wires attracts both rich and poor; so that those that have scarce twopence to buy their children bread, must spend a penny each evening in this insipid stuff: nor can we send one of our husbands to call a midwife, or borrow a glister-pipe, but he must stay an hour by the way drinking his two dishes and two pipes.
At these houses (as at the springs in Africa) meet all sorts of animals, whence follows the production of a thousand monster opinions and absurdities; yet for being dangerous to government, we dare be their compurgators, as well knowing them to be too tame and too talkative to make any desperate politicians: for though they may now and then destroy a fleet, or kill ten thousand of the French, more than all the confederates can do, yet this is still in their politic capacities, for by their personal valor they are scarce fit to be of the life-guard to a cherry-tree: and therefore, though they frequently have hot contests about most important subjects; as what color the red sea is of; whether the great Turk be a Lutheran or a Calvinist; who Cain's father in law was, etc. Yet they never fight about them with any other save our weapon, the tongue.

Some of our sots pretend tippling of this boiled soot cures them of being drunk; but we have reason rather to conclude it makes them so, because we find them not able to stand after it: it is at best but a kind of earthling a fox to hunt him more eagerly afterward: a rare method of good-husbandry, to enable a man to be drunk three times a day! Just such a remedy for drunkenness, as the Popes allowing of stews, is a means to prevent fornication: the coffee-house being in truth, only a pimp to the tavern, a relishing soup preparative to a fresh debauch: for when people have swilled themselves with a morning draught of more ale than a brewers horse can carry, hither they come for a penny worth of settle-brain, where they are sure to meet lazy pragmatic companions, that resort here to prattle of news, that they neither understand, nor are concerned in; and after an hours impertinent chat, begin to consider a bottle of claret would do excellent well before dinner; whereupon to the bush they all march together, until every one of them is as drunk as a drum, and then back again to the coffeehouse to drink themselves sober; where three or four dishes a piece, and smoking, makes their throats as dry as Mount Aetna enflamed with brimstone; so that they must away to the next red lattice to quench them with a dozen or two of ale, which at last growing nauseous, one of them begins to extol the blood of the grape, what rare lagoon, and racy canary may be had at the miter: saist thou so? Cries another, let's then go and replenish there? With our earthen vessels: so once more they troop to the sack-shop until they are drunker than before; and then by a retrograde motion, stagger back to sober themselves with coffee: thus like tennis balls between two rackets, the fops, our husbands, are bandied to and fro all day between the coffee-house and tavern, whilst we poor souls sit moping all alone until twelve at night, and when at last they come to bed smoked like a Westphalia hogs-head we have no more comfort of them, than from a shotten herring or a dried bulrush; which forces us to take up this lamentation and sing:

Tom Farthing, Tom Farthing, where hast thou been, Tom Farthing? Twelve a clock e're you come in, two a clock e're you begin, and then at last can do nothing: would make a woman weary, weary, weary, would make a woman weary, etc.

Wherefore the premises considered, and to the end that our just rights may be restored, and all the ancient privileges of our sex preserved inviolable; that our husbands may give us some other testimonies of their being men, besides their beards and wearing of empty pantaloons: that they no more run the hazard of being cuckold by dildos: but returning to the good old strengthening liquors of our forefathers; that natures exchequer may once again be replenished, and a race of lusty hero's begot, able by their achievements, to equal the glories of our ancestors.

We humbly pray, that you, our trusty patrons, would improve your interest, that henceforth the drinking coffee may, on severe penalties, be forbidden to all persons under the age of threescore; and that instead thereof, lusty nappy beer, cock-ale, cordial canaries, restoring malagos, and back-recruiting chocolate be recommended to general use, throughout the Utopian territories.

In hopes of which glorious reformation, your petitioners shall readily prostrate themselves, and ever pray, etc.

FINIS.



I love this. The writing is so awesome. The arguments against coffee, according to this booklet, includes, it makes men gossip worse than women, makes them limp and "Frenchifies" once vigorous men.

But the icing on the cake is that there is a response to this booklet, done in typical British passive-aggressiveness.   

I will translate it in the future, but I can sum it up as, "Nuh-nuh! Girls are stupid! Now, if you'll excuse me, I would like a grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte with soy milk and good day. I said good day!"